No More Sex

Dear Debbie,

My husband is in his early 60s, fit and healthy. I too try to keep in shape and feel that I look good (and more importantly desirable).  In fact my husband tells me often that I am beautiful. However, his desire to have sex with me is basically non-existent. This has been going on for a while now. I have suggested,  as we watch TV commercials. that Vigara or Cialis seems to offer exciting opportunities for couples our age.  But he scoffs it off saying he doesn’t need  that and it is not for him.

I dont think he is having an affair, but I can’t say that for sure. I don’t know if I want to confront him with the question of an affair because I may not get the right answer I want.

I would love any suggestions you may offer.

Yours truly,

Highly Frustrated and Insecure


Dear Highly Frustrated and Insecure,

Thank you for this most pertinent question.  I have known all along that at some point I would have to address the subject of sex and have so far avoided it in all my personal blogs, even though I know this is a HUGE subject for every age, and I cannot avoid writing about it indefinitely.  So you will be my segue into the realm of frankly discussing the issues of intimacy in our age group.

Let me state some interesting facts that reflect reality for men and women over 50.  Not my opinion or advice.

1. People over 50 can have enthusiastic and vigorous sex lives.

2. As people age they do not lose their ability to achieve sexual satisfaction.

3. Physical causes, like circulation problems, prostate disorders, and side effects associated with prescription medications account for over 80% of the cases in men with performance dysfunction.

4. Sexual dysfunction at this age for both men and women is most likely the result of lower hormones.

5. All men and women should have a full doctor’s exam before assuming that sexual dysfunction or lack of  performance is caused by emotional problems or lack of interest.

6. Surveys have shown that people over 50 look for deeper connections in their relationships and are not as interested in quickie sessions but more aroused by intense love.

You are afraid of the answers you may get to your questions but you must take the risk and have the conversation because you know something is not right.  Relationships are all about putting ourselves out there, showing someone our true self and taking the chance to be loved.

You must be prepared for the conversation by being open, calm and non judgemental.  Put yourself in the frame of mind that if there is still love and attraction you two can solve this together.   Communicate to your spouse that you feel that you want to open your communication and would like to have a frank talk.  Note: your asking him the question about Cialis and Viagra placed the responsibility in his lap (even if that was not what you intended ).  Those drugs are specifically for men, so obviously you directed the problem at him.  This may have momentarily alienated him, but you can try again.  This time broach the topic with the problem being BOTH of yours.  Practice NOT making declarations.  Your opening could possibly be: “I feel that I am going through physical changes, and our sexual experience  is changing. Can we discuss how to work on this?”

Be sensitive throughout the talk, you are in this together.




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